Meant to Be
by Caeyle
Summary: A bit of contemplation, James’ POV. Mild slash


Title: Meant to Be

Author: Caeyle

Rating: PG, for language

Fandom: Harry Potter

Category: angst, romance

Pairing: James/Lily, James/Sirius, Sirius/Remus

Summary: A bit of contemplation, James' POV. Mild slash

Notes: Not my usual style of writing, but I like it. It might be a bit confusing: half of it is written in past tense, somewhere during fifth or sixth year. I sort of forgot what year they became animagi, so, well—correct me. The other half is during James' wedding, and where James is thinking all of this. Short, as usual.

Disclaimer: Not my characters, I'm just borrowing them for a bit.

He was in the dormitory, kind of sitting quietly on his bed, reading. I asked him what he was doing, naturally. He sort of shrugged and put his book down. It was on advanced transfiguration. Remy, of course. Sometimes I felt almost jealous of him for some reason. Remus, I mean. Maybe I had an inferiority complex or something. You wouldn't think so if you looked at me. I mean, I was the bloody quidditch captain! Half the sodding school loved me. Sodding hypocrites, that's what they are. I bet they wouldn't give a damn if I dropped dead tomorrow. No, only Remy and Pete and Sirius matter. And Lily. Lily—she was special back then, she still is. I think I worshipped her a bit.

Well, anyway, I was kind of surprised. I know everyone has their quiet times when they're angry or scared or just to think, but Sirius—well, if he was mad, he'll be silent for about a second before he yelled his head off at the nearest person. I should know. Besides, he wasn't mad; actually, he looked downright peaceful. Sirius Black, peaceful? I mentally shrugged, and sat down on the bed, next to him. We sat like that for a while, just staring out the window. Then I felt his eyes on me, and I looked at him, kind of puzzled. His eyes were unreadable. People always think he's so open and expressive, that's not always true. Mostly he uses emotions to hide emotions, if you know what I mean.

I don't know how it happened, but all of the sudden I was spellbound by his eyes. They were even darker than mine, and for a second, I think I saw his soul.

"James," he whispered, sort of loudish, and suddenly he was the most beautiful thing in the world, even more so than Lily, who was a goddess in her own right. I have this perfect picture of him imprinted in my mind—long hair falling into his eyes, beautiful eyes, with this absolutely heart-breaking expression. For that one second, I had an urge to reach up and push his hair out of his face, and I'm still not sure if I would have stopped myself, because he did something first.

He kissed me. I kissed him back. I don't know why. I'm not gay or anything, and I didn't know he was until that day. I was drowning. I've been kissed before, and been kissed since, but nothing… nothing ever matched the sweet intensity of that one. After an eternity, after a second, he kind of jerked against me, then tore away, whispering something like: "I have to stop." Then he was gone.

I collapsed on the bed, on his bed, wondering what the hell had just happened. I think I fell in love with him there, while he was kissing me. Now I know what those girls feel like, the ones he kissed and dumped. Maybe it's something about him—once you love him, you can't stop.

I ask myself every day, it seems. Why? It felt so right. But we never talked about it. I'm a coward at heart, I know. It's too late now.

I'm getting married. As in I'm getting married right now. Just before I walked out there, I was nervous as hell, shaking and all. Then Sirius came along, and said, "You'll be fine." And once I looked into those calm dark eyes, I knew I would be. He gave me a sort of sad smile then. "You two were meant to be." The question was on my lips: "What about us?" But I didn't say it. I had a feeling it would kill him.

He's standing by my shoulder now, and Lily is in front of me, gorgeous in her white gown. She was absolutely stunning. When I first saw her, I had to resist the urge to get on my knees and grovel. But then that picture of Sirius flashed in my mind, unbidden, and I knew who I would pick, were I given the choice. I felt pangs of guilt, suddenly, for marrying her. She was so pretty, so sweet. She didn't deserve me. I know I love her, but maybe that won't be enough. Sirius will always come first in my heart, always. And perhaps I in his. I know he wasn't watching when I kissed her.

He's dancing now, with Remus. I'm jealous. But I'm married to Lily now. And I love her a lot, I really do. But I know that if Sirius ever comes to me, with my name on his lips, I won't resist him. I can't.

Who said destiny was a good thing?

END 1/3/03 


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